Round 3

Ergggg... Let's see...
So we went in yesterday for our third round of chemo.  We always go for a finger stick first to see how my blood count is looking, then we see my Oncologist for an evaluation before the infusion of the drugs.  She first shared the good news that my WBC count was looking very good, and that she was going to give me the full dose of meds.  We still don't know if that case of neutropenia last month was due to the chemo itself, or the fact that I was hit by that nasty virus at the same time, and the combination of the two was just too much for my body to fight off on its own.  We'll never know, but I'm going to choose to believe that it had more to do with the virus.

She then gave me an exam, did some measurements, and she saw that the tumor has not shrunk since the last dose of meds two weeks ago like she was expecting.  When we went in two weeks ago for Round 2, she measured the tumor at 5.5cm x 6cm, which the initial measurement, just days after the first round, measured the tumor at 7cm x 8cm.  So there was a significant shrinkage just after that first dose of meds.  The doc stated that she was surprised to see no difference in the past two weeks.  She also measured the axillary lymph node, which was still measuring at 1.5cm - again, she was hoping to see that number smaller as well.   But she told us not to panic, and that she was going to give me the meds at 100%, so we will see what happens over the next two weeks.  In the meantime, we pray, pray, pray. 
She said that there will be either of three scenarios to happen:
1) If the tumor shows shrinkage, then we will stay on the course we are on.  One more dose of the A/C meds in two weeks, and then I will start on the Taxol once a week for 12 weeks, then surgery, then radiation, reconstruction, etc...
2) If there's no progress with the meds, she may decide to go straight to the Taxol and see if there is any efficacy on the tumors.
3) Again, if there is no shrinkage, and she doesn't choose the Taxol, then I will go straight to surgery, having a bilateral mastectomy.  She wants this out.

So, there's that.  There was a point when the double mastectomy seemed so far away, and I had not given much thought to it yet as I am still figuring out how this whole chemo thing works.  I recently read a book that was given to me about another women's journey though breast cancer, and it went into great detail about the surgeries, both the mastectomy and all of the reconstruction processes, which only made my anxiety grow, as anyone's would.  So now I am educating myself more about the surgical procedures, recovery, etc.  I know myself well enough that I have made a decision about the surgery - this disease needs to come out!  But I am also terrible with pain.  I'm pretty much a big baby.  And I fear that to get through the recovery period as 'comfortable as possible,' that I will be on many pain pills to help with the relief.  My fear mainly resides in the possibility of me being emotionally vacant for Lena while I'm trying to recover, which makes my heart hurt.  I've never had any major surgery, so it's all so very scary and new to me, but if this course is chosen sooner than later, then I will certainly accept the challenge as gracefully as I can.

So there was one more thing discussed yesterday.  There is a possibility that I may need to have my ovaries taken out.  Apparently, there is an increased risk of ovarian cancer later with women who have breast cancer.  Jason asked if it was something that needed to happen while I was already under anesthesia for the mastectomies, and as they were discussing that, the doctor saw the panic on my face.  I heard my heart break.  I don't know if this is just a womanly/maternal thing happening here (most likely), but I am so not ready to give up the chance of growing our family naturally.  I keep going back to the fact that this whole thing started at the beginning of the year with the elation of being pregnant again.  Then after the miscarriage, I gathered strength knowing that we would be able to try again.  But when that was taken away after the cancer diagnosis, all of those thoughts got pushed away somewhere, knowing that I was fighting for MY life number one, and that I would have to do my grieving later.  Well, now it's back.  The doctor said that it wasn't something that we needed to do right away, but it was something that we need to give serious thought to.  So here we go again, diving into the world of research and percentages.  I know that the chemo has a chance to make me infertile, but that there is also a chance that we would be able to conceive.  It is in God's hands now.  No decisions have been made regarding the removal of my ovaries, as this is all so fresh, but for now, I am just hoping for the chance to get through everything cancer-free, and then for the possibility to have a little sister or brother for Lena.  But if we try and it's not happening, then they can take my ovaries, I don't care after that.  I just want the chance to try.  We can grow our family in other ways.  I am trying to stay mindful that we do have such an amazing little girl, and we are so very blessed to have her.  There are so many people who struggle with having a family, and I think about them often during this, trying to keep my perspective in place.  But at the same time, so much has been thrown at us in such a short amount of time, that I am just trying to process it all still, and I'm allowing myself to feel all of the emotions that I need to.

So far, I'm physically feeling ok after chemo yesterday.  I'm exhausted, but the nausea is staying away for now thanks to the wonderful meds they give me for days 1-3 post treatment.  Lena, however, has come down with something today.  She's been lethargic and has had a fever of 102.8 since this afternoon, despite the fact that I've been giving her Ibuprofen and Tylenol intermittently since noon.  Still no break in the fever yet though.  I called the doctor, and we are going to take her in in the morning, so hopefully we'll get some answers, but I still fear that this is viral, and all we can do is wait it out.  My other fear is that I've already been exposed to whatever it is that she has, and I am praying that I'm able to evade it this time. 

It's been a tough two days, but this too shall pass.  I want to thank all of you out there for your continued support - it means the world to not only Jason and I, but to both of our entire families as well!  Your contributions to the fundraiser have been absolutely amazing, and we are all blown away.